Church Lady...

So, one of my favourite characters I've met on the bus in Winnipeg is a lady I've recently begun called "The Church Lady". I've seen her a number of times and, for some reason, she always picks on me when she sees me--which I absolutely love.

I saw her on the bus this morning.

The bus was pretty packed and was well into standing room only by the time I got on in Osborne Village. The Church Lady was Seated near the front, wearing a large green parka, which made me not realize immediately that it was her. While I walked slowly down the aisle towards where she was sitting, she looked at me and asked if I wanted to sit in her spot. I chuckled and thanked her, but declined, saying that I would be just fine standing. About 30 seconds later, in a completely changed tone, she looked up at me and said in a loud voice "Excuse me, can you not stand right here beside me? You're giving off energy rays! You're giving off No-Church rays!"

This absolutely intrigued me, so I probed her a little, so as to determine the nature of these so called "No-Church Rays".

She replied, matter-of-factly: "No-Church Rays! Do you go to church?"

I had to admit honestly that I didn't.

"Well there you go! No-Church Rays!"

While searching for a respond I came to the realization that this made perfect sense, so I told her so.

Then I moved towards the back, giving someone else a chance to have their morning brightened by the Church Lady...

Misguided Chivalry

Today on the bus, I experienced one of the many events that over the years have made me very glad to be too poor to buy a car.

While I was already seated on the sideways seat by the rear door, two young men got on the bus and moved to the back and stood in front of the door. The men were swearing loudly and profusely, however, this is hardly a rarity, so I barely even looked up from my book when I heard them. A few stops later, an elderly lady got on the bus and walked to the back of the bus. Though the men may not have seen this, she walked by about three or four perfectly good seats in which she could easily have chosen to sit.

Upon seeing the lady walk past them, one of the men exclaimed loudly (presumably to the other, though everyone on the bus could easily hear): "I hate when people do that! No one got up to let that fucking old lady sit down!"

Now, admittedly the sentiment behind the man's statement was, for lack of a better word, touching, there were at least two things that he either didn't realize, or else chose to completely ignore.

Thing #1: As I mentioned earlier, there were about three or four open seats that the lady could easily have chosen to occupy, but which, for some reason she ignored on her way to the back of the bus. One of them was next to me! (Though, due to the fact that I have a very intimidating mustache, I can understand why she may have chosen to pass that one up.)

Thing #2: The old lady could hear the man very clearly, and immediately after hearing him call her a "fucking old lady" she looked as if she were about to cry. I was able to make momentary eye contact with the lady and made a dismissive eye rolling gesture at the loud man, which made her smile, but the whole thing really got me wondering: Is it possible that chivalry is really nothing more than another way for men to say to women: "you are not good enough to do things for yourself--that's why men should do stuff for you!"?

Maybe it is, and maybe that's just my lame excuse for not throwing my jacket into a puddle any time a woman walks by...

Hey Gang,

As you may have noticed, I've decided to change the theme of my blog from the topic of unicorns (a subject which, as it turns out, is painfully exhaustible) to the subject of crazy crap that happens to me (and around me) on the bus (a subject with limitless potential, as I'm pretty sure we will never run out of crazies as long as there are city buses to drive them around all day long).

I hope you'll all join me in the coming months as I relate to you all, the stories that keep me entertained during my commute. Who knows; maybe some of you will even be tempted to leave your cars at home and join me on the bus as well as here on the internet.

Dennis Rodman, Gone but Not Forgotten

In 1996, basketball bad-boy Dennis Rodman announced that he would be getting married. This news came as a shock to most of his fans and to people in general, because he had never announced that he had even been dating anyone. Rodman told the media where the wedding would take place, so when the day arrived, the press was all ears.
As it turned out, Rodman was not in fact getting married at all. He greeted the press wearing a full wedding gown, and announced that he was actually marrying himself. This pseudo event was organized by Rodman himself (or maybe his publicist) and was designed to promote his new autobiography.
Though, many people scoffed at the ruse and still others were unimpressed with the spectacle of the tattooed athelete in a wedding dress, it was certainly a great way for Rodman to raise awareness of his autobiography among people who are into that kind of thing.

Presumably after the event, Rodman went straight home to consecrate his wedding vows.

Unicorn Action Hotline Final Update

Hey Gang,

It's my sad duty to let you all know that, due to some unfortunate events, the Unicorn Action Hotline will be closing down for good. Yesterday, while responding to an emergency call on the Unicorn Action Hotline, three rescue workers were gored to death by a rabid unicorn. The Unicorn was on the 200-block of Elgin Street when it was spotted by a local woman. She called the Unicorn Action Hotline and reported that the Unicorn was foaming at the mouth, while it tried to make love to a white Honda Civic.

All of us on the Unicorn Action Hotline Squad are deeply saddened to see this beautiful dream come to end, but then, everything does.

Thank you to everyone for your wonderful support over the last three or four days that the Unicorn Action Hotline was actually in service, though I must admit I'm still baffled by the surprisingly high number of prank calls we received.

Maybe it was just a coincidence...

Highlights of Week 1 of the Unicorn Action Hotline:

Hi Gang. It's time for an update after the first week of the wildly successful Unicorn Action Hotline.

Number of calls taken: 892

Number of prank calls: 881

Number of legitimate calls: 11

One call reported a unicorn which had been beaten and left for dead in the Osborne Village area. A medical emergeny unit was sent to the area, and the unicorn was revived in hospital. Police are waiting for him to regain consciousness so they can track down his assailant.

Another call reported a unicorn who was passed out in a bus shack downtown. The unicorn had apparently pooped him self and was not responding to attempts to wake him up. A unit was sent to the seen, where it was discovered that the unicorn was not a unicorn at all, but rather a drunk homeless dude.

Yet another call was fielded which led authorities to the site of a magical unicorn factory. The factory was promptly shut down by police as, in addition to making unicorns, it was also found to be manufacturing and processing heroin.

Stay tuned for more updates!

Unicorn action Hotline!

Hey everybody,

I recently came up with a great idea. I'm going to start a service in Winnipeg that deals exclusively with unicorn related emergencies! Stay tuned in the next few days for a complete set of details and a few examples of some of the unicorn related emergencies we've dealth with so far!