Sour "Grapes"

So I was watching my cat lick her crotch earlier today, while thinking about how gross that is, when something profound occurred to me:

Maybe I just tell myself it's gross because I can't do it, and that makes me insanely jealous...

Don't get me wrong; I'm not jealous that cats and dogs get to have their butts and crotches licked by cats and dogs (seems like that would be easy enough to hook up), I'm just jealous that they can reach, and therefore have the option to lick their own crotches.

Again, this is NOT what I'm talking about:

(btw, the funniest part of the above picture is the sub-heading: "Magzin Für Internationalen Lifestyle", which I can only assume is German for: "Magazine for Women and Dogs Who Enjoy Peanut Butter".)

What I am actually taking about is something a little more akin to this:

(CD: Aenima, by Tool)

I had a dream one time that I could give myself head. At first I was a little grossed out by the idea, but then when I realized that, once you get past the bullshit taboos and all that, the ability to go down on myself seemed like it would be pretty fucking awesome. In my dream, I got so used to the idea that when I woke up and realized I'd been dreaming, I was devastated. I actually did one of those moves from really bad movies about loss where the main character puts both fists in the air and screams "NOOOOOOO!!!!" for like four minutes while the camera zooms out from a crane high above.

When I told people about this dream, they were not very empathetic. One friend said that he would never go down on himself because he didn't like getting blowjobs from dudes. I asked him if he enjoyed masturbating, and he replied "Of course!", so then I asked him how much he liked getting hand jobs from men. Needless to say, he changed his tune pretty quick.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that I can't wait for my rib removal surgery which is coming up next month. I hope two on each side is enough so I'll be able to reach...

A New Beginning

For the past eight months, I've been keeping this blog going for a school project. Because it was for school, I wasn't really able to include the kind of content that I would have otherwise liked to.
That being said, my school year just ended. So, in order to reward myself for keeping my blog relatively PG-13 while I needed to, I think it's time to open up the flood gates and let out some of what I've really been wanting to say:

Fuck, shit, balls! Cunt! Herpes! Mittens on a string!

Wow. That feels a lot better. Now that that's out of the way, I'm going get down to talking about some of the shit I wasn't able to before.

First of all I heard a while back that the Archies have finally introduced a gay character named Kevin Keller into the mix. Way to go Archies! You've certainly kept up with the times! You're only about 30 years late on this one...

I have a couple of problems with the new gay Archies character however.

1. I'm pretty sure they should have revealed that Jughead is gay. I mean the poor kid has been running away from Ethel for like 70 years now, and the authors are gonna make him stay in the closet for even longer? What the fuck?! I mean, if Riverdale only has ONE gay dude, how the hell is he supposed to get his designer rocks off? Is our poor friend Kevin Keller doomed to a fate of beating off in the bushes outside of Reggie's place? Come on Archie Comics, throw the poor kid a bone! (pun entirely intended)

2. Even though they are saying he's the first gay character, it turns out that Archie has been gay for years. Don't believe me? Check this shit out:

3. Lastly, and the thing that pisses me off the most is how they portray Kevin Keller as the stereotypical gay guy. Way hotter than me.

Check out his picture:

I mean seriously. Look at this guy. This by far the hottest dude in Riverdale. I'm fiercely heterosexual, but even that doesn't stop me from wanting to mount this fucking guy! He is that hot.

It pisses me off that gay men in our society have been brutally and unfairly labelled with the stereotype that they are all way hotter than me. I'm sure this is not an accurate representation of real gay men. I mean there's got to be at least one gay dude who is not way hotter than me right? I'm pretty sure I met a gay guy once who was only a little bit hotter than me... oh no wait, that guy wasn't gay, in fact he wasn't even a guy; he was my friend's dog. And he was still way hotter than me!

Anyway, my point is that this kind of labelling can be really harmful, and if Archie Comics aren't careful they're going to make me kill myself and blame gay dudes...

until next time,

j.williamez