Sour "Grapes"

So I was watching my cat lick her crotch earlier today, while thinking about how gross that is, when something profound occurred to me:

Maybe I just tell myself it's gross because I can't do it, and that makes me insanely jealous...

Don't get me wrong; I'm not jealous that cats and dogs get to have their butts and crotches licked by cats and dogs (seems like that would be easy enough to hook up), I'm just jealous that they can reach, and therefore have the option to lick their own crotches.

Again, this is NOT what I'm talking about:

(btw, the funniest part of the above picture is the sub-heading: "Magzin Für Internationalen Lifestyle", which I can only assume is German for: "Magazine for Women and Dogs Who Enjoy Peanut Butter".)

What I am actually taking about is something a little more akin to this:

(CD: Aenima, by Tool)

I had a dream one time that I could give myself head. At first I was a little grossed out by the idea, but then when I realized that, once you get past the bullshit taboos and all that, the ability to go down on myself seemed like it would be pretty fucking awesome. In my dream, I got so used to the idea that when I woke up and realized I'd been dreaming, I was devastated. I actually did one of those moves from really bad movies about loss where the main character puts both fists in the air and screams "NOOOOOOO!!!!" for like four minutes while the camera zooms out from a crane high above.

When I told people about this dream, they were not very empathetic. One friend said that he would never go down on himself because he didn't like getting blowjobs from dudes. I asked him if he enjoyed masturbating, and he replied "Of course!", so then I asked him how much he liked getting hand jobs from men. Needless to say, he changed his tune pretty quick.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that I can't wait for my rib removal surgery which is coming up next month. I hope two on each side is enough so I'll be able to reach...