Unicorn Action Hotline Final Update

Hey Gang,

It's my sad duty to let you all know that, due to some unfortunate events, the Unicorn Action Hotline will be closing down for good. Yesterday, while responding to an emergency call on the Unicorn Action Hotline, three rescue workers were gored to death by a rabid unicorn. The Unicorn was on the 200-block of Elgin Street when it was spotted by a local woman. She called the Unicorn Action Hotline and reported that the Unicorn was foaming at the mouth, while it tried to make love to a white Honda Civic.

All of us on the Unicorn Action Hotline Squad are deeply saddened to see this beautiful dream come to end, but then, everything does.

Thank you to everyone for your wonderful support over the last three or four days that the Unicorn Action Hotline was actually in service, though I must admit I'm still baffled by the surprisingly high number of prank calls we received.

Maybe it was just a coincidence...

Highlights of Week 1 of the Unicorn Action Hotline:

Hi Gang. It's time for an update after the first week of the wildly successful Unicorn Action Hotline.

Number of calls taken: 892

Number of prank calls: 881

Number of legitimate calls: 11

One call reported a unicorn which had been beaten and left for dead in the Osborne Village area. A medical emergeny unit was sent to the area, and the unicorn was revived in hospital. Police are waiting for him to regain consciousness so they can track down his assailant.

Another call reported a unicorn who was passed out in a bus shack downtown. The unicorn had apparently pooped him self and was not responding to attempts to wake him up. A unit was sent to the seen, where it was discovered that the unicorn was not a unicorn at all, but rather a drunk homeless dude.

Yet another call was fielded which led authorities to the site of a magical unicorn factory. The factory was promptly shut down by police as, in addition to making unicorns, it was also found to be manufacturing and processing heroin.

Stay tuned for more updates!

Unicorn action Hotline!

Hey everybody,

I recently came up with a great idea. I'm going to start a service in Winnipeg that deals exclusively with unicorn related emergencies! Stay tuned in the next few days for a complete set of details and a few examples of some of the unicorn related emergencies we've dealth with so far!

After a long drawn out period of futile resistance, I am now officially one of those Twitter people. I signed up for an account the other day, and it's proven to be very useful so far. I've been using it to find out what many of my acquaintances are eating for breakfast and watching on television.

I was also please to find that Twitter is replete with self proclaimed unicorns. It is somewhat unsettling, however, that there is not some sort of verificational tool to ensure the legitimacy of unicorns like there is for famous people. I guess the people at Twitter don't think unicorns are as important as famous people.

Oh well, I guess not everybody has their priorities as properly straightened out as I do.

My Twitter name is JWilliamez. Make sure to track me down and 'follow' my tweets if you want to find out what I've had for breakfast!

Hey Gang,

It's getting pretty close to the time of year when we, humans and humicorns alike, should put aside our differences and help those less fortunate than us.

That's why my friend Chris and I have decided to organize a holiday hamper for the Winnipeg Christmas Cheerboard's Hamper Program.

The Hamper is located in W302 in the RRC's Princess Campus. Donations are welcome from humans, humicorns and striaght up unicorns as well.

Please help us fill this hamper with good things like food, gifts and horn polish...

Visit: http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=199263257632&ref=ts to find out what you can donate.

Thanks in advance for your generous help!

The Unicorn King

They Finally found Him!

The ancient prophets said he'd come, but no one really believed those old crazies...

Until now!

All Hail the Unicorn King!!!

Another Halloween Come and Gone...

Well another Halloween is behind us, and thought I had a great time as i do almost every halloween, I can't help but feel that something is missing from my Halloween experiences that would make my life a lot better.To illustrate why I feel unfulfilled, let me show you all some examples of the kind of costumes I saw, and then I'll compare those to some pictures of the kinds of Halloween

costumes I didn't see this year.

Here are some costumes that look a lot what what I saw people wearing this year:

As you can see, one the most popular costumes every year is "the Stripper".

But there is one costume that, year after year, falls to the wayside and is completely ignored. It's an important costume because of it's powerful magical characteristics. Also, it's not a stripper.

Here are some pictures of the costume I'm thinking of:

If we all work together we can spread costumes like these across the world. Not only are they mythical and awesome, but they send a better message to our children than some other popular costumes:

You don't necessarily have to grow up to be a stripper.

I think unicorn costumes are gonna take the world by storm, so watch out strippers!

In the meantime, if it's too much of an adjustment, maybe we can try to find some middle ground...

An Answer to Some Recent Questions:

Recently, a reader of this blog hit me with some pretty tough questions.

Never one to shy from a challenge, I'm going to attempt to answer those questions with this entry:

Question #1: Can unicorns fly?

Answer: Of course they can, Silly! Unicorns can and do fly all the time. They use the powers of positive thinking and imagination to enable themselves to soar through the clouds. Sometimes a careless unicorn will get sucked into the engine of a passing jet airplane, but this is never reported in the news. No one would take an airline seriously if it began reporting crashes due to unicorns. But the fact is that natural selection applies just as much to unicorns as to any species.

Question #2: Can Humicorns fly?

Answer: Of course they can, Silly! Humicorns are the most advanced form of unicorns. In fact, they are the only genus of unicorn that can operate a calculator or make a casserole. Their abilities do not stop there, however. They can fly and do advanced calculus and beat Mario 3. They can also turn digested food into rainbows. They do this with a special gland in their posterior which uses happiness to create different coloured lights.

Question #3: Why are unicorns often associated with rainbows?

Answer: (See answer for question #2.)

Balloonicorn Boy a Hoax!!!

After what I read in the news today, I don't know if I have any faith left!

A 6-year-old Colorado boy named Falcon Heene, supposedly released his father's weather balloon and then hid in his family's attic while the world watched the balloon travel 50 miles while they thought he was in it.

Well, guess what. It turns out that this was all part of an elaborate plan orchestrated by his parents in an attempt to secure themselves a spot on a reality television show.

As if this weren't bad enough, it has also come to light that, despite claims by his family to the contrary, Falcon Heene is also not a unicorn.

Here is a picture released by the family, compared to the original which has recently been discovered by reporters:

I give up! I'm never going to believe anything again!

Buyers: Beware!

Some classmates and I just finished up a project for Advertising class called "Buyer Beware", for which we researched the dangers of Tanning, interviewed some tanning customers, and went around to different Tanning Bed Providers (TBPs) in the city to find out which of them provided information about the dangers of the service they offer. Information that could help to prevent something like what happened to this poor humicorn:

Some of the information we gathered before going to the TBP's was quite surprising. I was pretty blown away by the evidence I found that tanning is chemically addictive. Apparently it releases endorphins, and people sometimes go through symptoms of withdrawal if they stop too suddenly.

Anyway, out of the 5 tanning places I visited with my group, only 2 of them actually offered any real information about the dangers of UV radiation to the skin. And even those places played down the risks a lot, focussing instead on issues like Vitamin D.

Much of the information offered either in store or online by the major Tanning Bed Providers defends indoor tanning by pointing to the fact that it's no more dangerous that tanning outdoors. To me this is like saying that it's ok to text while you drive because it's no more dangerous than driving while pissed drunk. The sun hasn't been safe for years! What the hell kind of a defense of indoor tanning is that?

My group and I also interviewed some people about their experiences with indoor tanning. We spoke to a woman who got cancer from tanning (and who still goes), a girl who was so addicted that she had three separate accounts so she could go more often (and whose skin started actually peeling off in chunks at one point) and a woman who got a staff infection from a bed (and who had to get the ensuing puss drained out of her arm at the hospital.)

The fact is that tanning, whether it be indoor or outdoor is dangerous; especially if it's not done in moderation. Other than ruining your skin and making you look way older than you actually are, you could end up DYING. Is it really worth dying to go and pay money to lie in a bad that makes you orange and gives you cancer?

You decide...

(Ok, ok, I admit it; it's pretty sneaky to put this picture here. Tanning was only responsible for making this couple dark orangey-brown. It had little to nothing to do with how douchey they are.)

How you know you're going to have a great day:

The other day, I was on my way to school for an eight a.m. class, and I was having one of those days when I was only about 50% certain that I wasn't actually still lying in bed dreaming. You know the days I'm talking about: you wake up, shower, shave, get dressed, eat breakfast, and then while you're riding your purple horse on the way to school through a forest possessed by the spirit of your fourth grade teacher, you realize that you are still dreaming, and will have to go through your entire morning routine all over again. (Except for the horse in the forest part.)

Anyway, on this particular day, I was only about half sure that I wasn't still dreaming, and then something happened that didn't help the situation at all:

When I got to my bus stop in Osborne Village, I stepped in something squishy.

My first reaction was to try and wake up. I thought, "If I am still dreaming, then what's the point of even looking down? I don't want to see something really nasty if I don't absolutely have to." After about 20 seconds of pinching myself and violently shaking my head, I realized that I was actually awake, and that sooner or later, I would have to deal with the squishy situation that I was still standing in at my bus stop. Curiosity was starting to get the best of me anyway.

So I took a deep breath and looked down...

I had stepped in vomit. Not just any vomit, either, but fresh steaming vomit.

I thought to myself, "OK self, this day can go one of two very different and distinct directions: I can either have the worst day ever, or the best day ever." I decided it would be the latter of the two, be like most people, I prefer having really good days to really bad days.

Then I turned around an saw the guy who had obviously just vomited, lying on the bench by the bus stop. I decided to thank him for the vomit, and so I yelled: "Woo Hoo! Thanks for the vomit, Sleeping Homeless Guy!" And then something amazing happened:

When I yelled, a horn suddenly became visible to me on his forehead. Just like it had so many times during my Scream Testing of pictures of famous people. This meant that the Scream Test for detecting pictures of unicorns works in real life on live unicorns too! You can probably imagine how exciting this news was to me.

Since finding out this amazing new piece of information, I have not been able to stop unicorn hunting. In other words, I've been walking around downtown yelling at strangers while staring at their foreheads.

I've gotten a few weird looks, but when I find a heard of unicorns in business suits out for a noon time power lunch, and then they take me back to their den to teach me magic, it will all have been worth it. Trust me.

More Myths, and the "Busting" Thereof

Hey everyone, Here is a piece I've been working on about the origins of unicorns that I hope to have published in one of the more reputable scientific journals. In it, I try to dispel some of the most common myths about unicorns, while at the same time, share some interesting and little known facts about these majestic yet tragically misunderstood creatures. Although, as I've already discussed in my previous posts, unicorns come in all shapes and forms, this eye-opening essay deals exclusively with the horse-shaped variety of unicorn, which, for the purposes of this essay, I will henceforth refer to simply as unicorns. I hope you learn as much by reading it, as I did by writing it...

Common Myths About Unicorns:


Myth #1: Unicorns are Mythical

Though many people believe that unicorns are mythical beasts, they are entirely real--or rather more accurately; they were real. Fossil records clearly show that unicorns did, in fact, roam the earth some time in the seventeenth century BC in what is now Ireland for a period of about thirty years. Scientists were initially baffled by the unusually short lifespan of the unicorn species, until it was recently discovered with the help of genetic testing of fossilized unicorn remains that the first generation of unicorns simply did not reproduce due to the fact that they were all gay. Every last unicorn. Unicorns are the only species known in nature which is exclusively homosexual.

Myth #2: Unicorns are Magical

Another commonly held belief about unicorns is that they were magical. Unicorns were not magical because there is no such thing as magic. Magic is just another word for what science can’t yet explain. We now know that, while unicorns could shoot rainbows out of their horns, this was due to the existence of a special light-emitting ‘rainbow gland’ at the base of the horn, which was also responsible for producing glitter and happiness.

Myth #3: Unicorns are Docile and Friendly

Many people believe, perhaps due to an almost unethical distortion of the truth in the media, that unicorns were friendly beasts who loved and cared for all the creatures of the forest. Nothing could be further from the truth: unicorns were vicious and merciless killing machines. Like sharks, unicorns were omnivorous, meaning that they ate anything and everything they could gore to death with their huge and unyielding horns. Unicorns would roam the forests killing everything they saw and devouring their carcasses for the sustenance they would need to continue goring animals to death. They spent nearly half their time goring and devouring. The rest of their time was spent violently trying to reproduce with members of the same sex, which brings us to Myth #4.

Myth #4 Unicorns are G-Rated

It is ironic that so much children’s literature of our time makes reference to unicorns because, in reality, a unicorn would be the last thing you would ever want your children to see. When it wasn’t tearing through the flesh of an innocent forest creature with its razor-sharp horn and subsequently bathing in its blood and entrails, a unicorn would spend most of its time having violent sex, while whinnying in both ecstasy and agony. Unicorns were not only the only exclusively gay species, but they also hold the distinction of being the horniest creatures in nature. They had sex randomly, indiscriminately and almost aimlessly, though sadly for the species, never progressed into any sort of heterosexual experimentation.


I hope now that you all know the truth about unicorns, the next time you see them being irresponsibly misrepresented (say in a theatre while watching a children’s movie) you’ll have the stones to stand up and cry: “Bullshit!”

Famous Humicorns: This May Surprise You

Since I started writing this blog, I've done a lot of research and have uncovered some pretty amazing facts. For example, I've learned that all unicorns are impervious to paper cuts. For some reason, they just never get them, no matter how much filing or collating they do. Also, I've learned that unicorns cannot taste yellow foods. This is why, if you see someone eating a banana and he or she is really enjoying it, you can be reasonably sure that he or she is not a unicorn.

I think the most interesting thing I've learned, however, is how to spot a humicorn. A humicorn, as I've mentioned previously, is the human type of unicorn. Humicorns are very clever and can hide their horns from the rest of us with magic. It takes a trained eye, and millions of dollars of sophisticated equipment to be able to spot a humicorn--or at least it did until very recently.

Earlier this year, Irish scientists discovered (while drunk) that it is possible to detect humicorns while forgoing the need for all the expensive equipment with a simple procedure. All one has to do to verify the status of a suspected humicorn, is to yell very loudly at a picture of that 'person'. The scientists fell into this discovery (almost literally) while one of them was yelling at a picture of his ex-wife, and a horn suddenly on her head in the picture. The rest of them verified the procedure by doing the same with pictures of their ex-wives (apparently the divorce rate among Irish scientists is mind-numbingly high for some reason). Only a few of the photos transmogrified, but one of the scientists noticed that some of the pictures in an entertainment magazine lying on a table near by had also changed, and so, what has come to be known as the "Humicorn Scream Test" was born.

Using this test, I have been able to uncover some pretty famous and influential Humicorns.

(A WARNING: Some of these may surprise you, so read on at your own risk.)

The first person I chose as the subject of the Humicorn Scream Test was Kevin Bacon. I was not disappointed. Now maybe we can change the name of the game to "Six Degrees of Unicorn".

Sigmund Freud, as it turns out, was also a humicorn. Here is a slightly censored picture which might explain the themes of many of his theories.

Humicorns are not the only creatures who hide their true nature using magic. Here is a picture of an evil demon that I also uncovered using the scream test.

Often times, when Humicorns get very, very old, they lose their ability to conceal their horns with magic, and are forced to revert to other methods.

A little backgroud

Before I go any further in exposing the world wide unicorn conspiracy, I should probably tell you all a little about myself, and why I am so interested in the matter. My interest in unicorns ultimately stems from a lack of self awareness. This sounds strange, so let me explain. I was adopted when I was six days old, and I have never met my birth parents. Although in the nature/nurture debate I come down pretty heavily on the nurture side, I am still left with some uncertainty as to who I really am, and where I come from. It is the mystery of my uncertain origins which has led me to conclude that, since I can't say anything about my biological ancestry, it logically follows that I must be a unicorn. In fact, I have long suspected that I have been an undercover (and unaware) agent for the unicorn movement my entire life.



So this blog, then, turns out to be an exercise in self exploration. Seeking the truth about the unicorn conspiracy is another way for me to seek the truth about myself.
















Me with a fellow unicorn I met at a music festival in BC in the summer of 2008.



Stay tuned for my next post, in which I will list and expose many of the most influencial Humicorns that have helped shape the world in which we live...

The Myth of the Unicorn Myth

One of the biggest myths about unicorns is that they are, in fact, a myth. As scientists and historians are slowly discovering, unicorns are not only real, but actually control our society and shape the world as we know it. They oversee almost every aspect of our daily lives, while still somehow managing to keep us convinced that they don't exist. The aim of this blog will be to expose the unicorn conspiracy and shed some light on these mysterious and cunning creatures.

With recent advances in unicorn detection technology (UDT), we are becoming more and more aware of the influence unicorns have actual had on our lives. Many unicorns, having skillfully disguised themselves, have been in our midst since the beginning of recorded history. There is even some evidence that suggests that they interacted openly with early homo sapiens in prehistoric times.

As you can see from this recently discovered prehistoric painting, unicorns predate even writing and have been among us for far longer than previously thought.

One of the ways unicorns have been able to escape detection for so long (even in a world which has become as digitally driven as ours, where cameras are more accessible than ever) is that they no longer adhere to their traditional forms. A common misconception about these mysterious beast is that they all resemble horses. This is not the case at all. Unicorns come in as many varieties as non-unicornal animals. There are dog-shaped unicorns, cow-shaped unicorns, rabbit-shaped unicorns and bird-shaped unicorns. This may sound strange, but it shouldn't. We've known about whale shaped unicorns for centuries; we call them 'narwhals'.

This herd of 'narwhals' is actually a herd of unicorns. Until recently, narwhals were the only type of unicorn that did not conceal itself from us. It is only with the use of modern technology that we have recently been able to detect other kinds.

Of the many types of unicorns, the one that has had the most influence on human society is (not surprisingly) the human shaped unicorn. Human shaped unicorns, like all other types of unicorns have horns on their foreheads, however, they often use their magical powers to conceal these horns from our view. Below is a picture of a human shaped unicorn (or 'humicorn') with her horn hidden by magic.

Not all humicorns are wrinkly and crazy looking. That this one happens to be, is a coincidence.